Contradictory

People tend to contradict themselves quite often. Even without knowing, I guess. Whenever people say something or give advice, think about whether they would ever follow this or not.

Take my mother for example (yes, I write a lot about her, because she is so interesting). She always told me to stay friends with people, even though they have hurt you. I have an ex-boyfriend, who dumped me through an e-mail. In that e-mail he told me, that he had been cheating with another woman and she was much sweeter, she was better etc. After that I did not see him any more for quite a while, even though I called him up to try to become friends (after my mothers advice).
Now I met him again. It was a huge surprise to suddenly bump into him. He was nice and I tried to become friends with him, because that was the thing my mother always had said. After a while, I told my mother I met him again. She immediately told me to stay away from him and be cautious.
Where is the "you have to stay friends with him" spirit gone?

Another example is myself. I tend to be the person people go to for advice about relationships, sex etc. I don't know why. Probably, because I listen to them and they like someone to listen. During those conversation, I always try to give them advice on how to proceed, or solve the problem. Which is pretty weird, considering I don't have a lot of experience concerning these kind of problems. I had two serious relationships in my life. The first did not end well (look in the text above) and the other was no walk in the park either. I cannot say I did not enjoy the relationships. I had a lot of fun and love. But two relationships is not much and most of the times, the problems my friends have, I never had. But I still tend to know how to solve this problem and give them my wise advice. Do I ever follow these solutions myself? I actually don't know. It depends on the situation and whether I still can think clearly.

But in whatever way we live. There is always a day of contradictory.

Feelings

I enjoyed a very nice show about the British stiff upper lip yesterday. It was about the history of emotional display in Great Britain. It was funny, detailed and very interesting.

In terms of showing feelings, I always am in the dark about it. Emotions can be seen as a weakness, but also as a strength. And what to do with the balance of certain feelings? Is it right to show pain when you lost someone, but not when you hurt your toe? They both hurt, but on a different level. Why can you show that you're happy that you graduated, but people think you're nuts because you are happy about your high-score? Especially when it comes to people you don't know, it is difficult to guess how far you can show your feelings.

In my latest in-take conversation with a large firm, the two people I needed to talk to, fired question after question in my direction and they expected a fully argumented and polite answer. The intensity of the questions had its peak after 30 minutes and at some point I felt dumb and not good enough. I wanted to go away from them. I wanted to cry. But you can't. It is simply not done, to show any emotions but enthusiasm and  readiness to work. I really tried to get through it. I know that I blushed after a while and I could not help it. But I pushed through.
The questioning lasted 1 hour and after that they gave me some useful advice and critique. And at that moment I was relieved it was over. I also wanted to hurt them (hurt their feelings). But I put on smile and thanked them for their time.

Feelings are a strange thing. Everyone has them, but it is not done to show them. People who do show their feelings in public, are being seen as weird. The current way of living teaches us to hide any trace of sadness, happiness... emotional chaos. Just keep carry on with a straight face and don't show them your feelings. Because that is how you show them your weakness!

Mum!

With my father no longer here, I discover things about my familiy I did not know before. I am not going to report every little secret here, but one thing that actually scared me, is the fact that my mother is not as healthy as she appeared to be. She went to the hospital for three times now. And that is only the times that I drove her.

It is not the amount of hospital visits that really startled me, but the many different health issues that my mother has. It is not just one thing (that would be easy to live with) but her heart, stomach  and head that now get proper inspections. She had two times in one day she had to lie down, or otherwise she would faint and fall badly. Before my father died, I did not know anything of this. I only knew she had severe headaches.

The fact that I have no work right now is also starting to make it more noticeable, I think. With nothing else to do than looking for jobs and make the most of the spare time (without spending money, preferably), you automatically pay to your surroundings. Which is my mother.