It is weird, still thinking that my father can come home every second.
I've seen him, when he just was brought to the morgue.
I've seen how they cleaned and dressed him.
I've been with him in the days before the funeral.
I've spoken on the funeral and saw the coffin go down.
And still... I have these moments that I think he can come home. A kind of noise from outside, or a source of light passing by the window. But we have to move on. Even now he is actually dead.
The day after tomorrow I receive my graduation diploma. It will be weird to celebrate this event without my dad. I am not a believer in ghosts, nor do I support a religion. But I do believe, he lives through me and therefore is with me all the time.
I am not sure whether or not I should start again with my video logs. I like to improve my English and talk about things, but I am not certain whether people actually look at it. Ofcourse, it would be mainly for myself, but it would be nice if other would take a look at it as well. But in any way, I'll live on.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Rest in Peace dear father
My life suddenly got an abrupt turn, when I lost my father on September 6th.
He was his usual self, sportive, healthy. He did not have any diseases or big physical or mental problems, that could cause death. He was happy in life.
On that Thursday, he wanted to play tennis with my uncle and a friend. He kissed my mother and said he would be home in about a couple of hours. However, it was my uncle who came by. He and his wife, my mothers sister, had to tell my mother that my father tried to reach the ball, fell and did not get up any more. The ambulance, police and fire brigade arrived very soon, but even after 45 minutes trying, they could not get his heart working again.
He had a sudden heart-attack. The first one and the last one.
I was not at home then. Every time I think about it, I feel the chills running down my spine. My uncle, seeing my father dying. My mother, alone, unaware about what had happened. Luckily my brother was at home.
We had a tremendous busy and emotional week. Every time my mother thinks about my father, she bursts into tears. I tried to cry, but somehow I get less emotional. I merely help my mother and my brother. Even though my mother tells me she is fine, I have to keep an eye out.
Right now, I have to think whether I will start my career in the UK, or stay in the Netherlands. I wanted to work in the UK to improve my English and get some extra work experience. But the way things are now, I am thinking to stay at home for a while.
He was his usual self, sportive, healthy. He did not have any diseases or big physical or mental problems, that could cause death. He was happy in life.
On that Thursday, he wanted to play tennis with my uncle and a friend. He kissed my mother and said he would be home in about a couple of hours. However, it was my uncle who came by. He and his wife, my mothers sister, had to tell my mother that my father tried to reach the ball, fell and did not get up any more. The ambulance, police and fire brigade arrived very soon, but even after 45 minutes trying, they could not get his heart working again.
He had a sudden heart-attack. The first one and the last one.
I was not at home then. Every time I think about it, I feel the chills running down my spine. My uncle, seeing my father dying. My mother, alone, unaware about what had happened. Luckily my brother was at home.
We had a tremendous busy and emotional week. Every time my mother thinks about my father, she bursts into tears. I tried to cry, but somehow I get less emotional. I merely help my mother and my brother. Even though my mother tells me she is fine, I have to keep an eye out.
Right now, I have to think whether I will start my career in the UK, or stay in the Netherlands. I wanted to work in the UK to improve my English and get some extra work experience. But the way things are now, I am thinking to stay at home for a while.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Graduated
I've had my last presentation. I had to present my findings of my thesis project. The research about how European particulate matter policies influence municipalities in their particulate matter policies and spatial planning policies. It was fun. I can present. Even my parents could understand it, even though it was in English. So I got a 7 of this. And my internship developed into a 7.5. So overall, I'm done with school, university... everything, I suppose.
I'm sort of... free. Nothing to do, but to find a job and start my life. Even now, it gives me the chills. I started diving into Doctor Who. Within a week, I saw the first 4 series of the new Doctor Who. I really like David Tennant now. I haven't seen Matt Smith as the Doctor, so I can't tell whether I like him. Sherlock is also in my mind, as well as Cabin Pressure. So I got completely isolated by my own thoughts. These chills, that run through me, everytime I think about going outside, or to find a job. It is kind of mortifying to think about me and the rest of my life. I try, but at the same time I drown myself in fantasies of time/space travelling, being around smart people and just... not being me.
So at first I thought nothing had changed. Now I think, everything has changed. I need to adapt. Whether I like it or not.
I'm sort of... free. Nothing to do, but to find a job and start my life. Even now, it gives me the chills. I started diving into Doctor Who. Within a week, I saw the first 4 series of the new Doctor Who. I really like David Tennant now. I haven't seen Matt Smith as the Doctor, so I can't tell whether I like him. Sherlock is also in my mind, as well as Cabin Pressure. So I got completely isolated by my own thoughts. These chills, that run through me, everytime I think about going outside, or to find a job. It is kind of mortifying to think about me and the rest of my life. I try, but at the same time I drown myself in fantasies of time/space travelling, being around smart people and just... not being me.
So at first I thought nothing had changed. Now I think, everything has changed. I need to adapt. Whether I like it or not.
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