making stuff

Hobbies are fulfilling my day now. Every day I do drawings, stories, try to sculpt something or make music. It makes the day pass by. It also improves my skills. I never wanted to be an artist for money. Whenever I am forced to do something according to someones elses idea, I cannot come to a pleasing form. Even when I force myself to do a specific thing, it never works out the way I want. Free thinking while I create, makes the best art.

For example, my sculpture of Sherlock Holmes. I never intended to start sculpting him. I just wanted to try something new. And 3 days later, I end up with this little beauty. Made from white and blue fimo clay and painted over with acrylic paint. It actually looks like that English beauty Benedict Cumberbatch. Now am I trying to make another sculpture, of Matt Smith. The current Doctor Who. Maybe he has a difficult face, or maybe it is because I force myself to do another sculpture... But it does not really look like him. I don't have a picture yet of him, since I am still working on him. However, I hope that with some paint, he will brighten up a bit more.

Contradictory

People tend to contradict themselves quite often. Even without knowing, I guess. Whenever people say something or give advice, think about whether they would ever follow this or not.

Take my mother for example (yes, I write a lot about her, because she is so interesting). She always told me to stay friends with people, even though they have hurt you. I have an ex-boyfriend, who dumped me through an e-mail. In that e-mail he told me, that he had been cheating with another woman and she was much sweeter, she was better etc. After that I did not see him any more for quite a while, even though I called him up to try to become friends (after my mothers advice).
Now I met him again. It was a huge surprise to suddenly bump into him. He was nice and I tried to become friends with him, because that was the thing my mother always had said. After a while, I told my mother I met him again. She immediately told me to stay away from him and be cautious.
Where is the "you have to stay friends with him" spirit gone?

Another example is myself. I tend to be the person people go to for advice about relationships, sex etc. I don't know why. Probably, because I listen to them and they like someone to listen. During those conversation, I always try to give them advice on how to proceed, or solve the problem. Which is pretty weird, considering I don't have a lot of experience concerning these kind of problems. I had two serious relationships in my life. The first did not end well (look in the text above) and the other was no walk in the park either. I cannot say I did not enjoy the relationships. I had a lot of fun and love. But two relationships is not much and most of the times, the problems my friends have, I never had. But I still tend to know how to solve this problem and give them my wise advice. Do I ever follow these solutions myself? I actually don't know. It depends on the situation and whether I still can think clearly.

But in whatever way we live. There is always a day of contradictory.

Feelings

I enjoyed a very nice show about the British stiff upper lip yesterday. It was about the history of emotional display in Great Britain. It was funny, detailed and very interesting.

In terms of showing feelings, I always am in the dark about it. Emotions can be seen as a weakness, but also as a strength. And what to do with the balance of certain feelings? Is it right to show pain when you lost someone, but not when you hurt your toe? They both hurt, but on a different level. Why can you show that you're happy that you graduated, but people think you're nuts because you are happy about your high-score? Especially when it comes to people you don't know, it is difficult to guess how far you can show your feelings.

In my latest in-take conversation with a large firm, the two people I needed to talk to, fired question after question in my direction and they expected a fully argumented and polite answer. The intensity of the questions had its peak after 30 minutes and at some point I felt dumb and not good enough. I wanted to go away from them. I wanted to cry. But you can't. It is simply not done, to show any emotions but enthusiasm and  readiness to work. I really tried to get through it. I know that I blushed after a while and I could not help it. But I pushed through.
The questioning lasted 1 hour and after that they gave me some useful advice and critique. And at that moment I was relieved it was over. I also wanted to hurt them (hurt their feelings). But I put on smile and thanked them for their time.

Feelings are a strange thing. Everyone has them, but it is not done to show them. People who do show their feelings in public, are being seen as weird. The current way of living teaches us to hide any trace of sadness, happiness... emotional chaos. Just keep carry on with a straight face and don't show them your feelings. Because that is how you show them your weakness!

Mum!

With my father no longer here, I discover things about my familiy I did not know before. I am not going to report every little secret here, but one thing that actually scared me, is the fact that my mother is not as healthy as she appeared to be. She went to the hospital for three times now. And that is only the times that I drove her.

It is not the amount of hospital visits that really startled me, but the many different health issues that my mother has. It is not just one thing (that would be easy to live with) but her heart, stomach  and head that now get proper inspections. She had two times in one day she had to lie down, or otherwise she would faint and fall badly. Before my father died, I did not know anything of this. I only knew she had severe headaches.

The fact that I have no work right now is also starting to make it more noticeable, I think. With nothing else to do than looking for jobs and make the most of the spare time (without spending money, preferably), you automatically pay to your surroundings. Which is my mother.

I live on

It is weird, still thinking that my father can come home every second.
I've seen him, when he just was brought to the morgue.
I've seen how they cleaned and dressed him.
I've been with him in the days before the funeral.
I've spoken on the funeral and saw the coffin go down.

And still... I have these moments that I think he can come home. A kind of noise from outside, or a source of light passing by the window. But we have to move on. Even now he is actually dead.
The day after tomorrow I receive my graduation diploma. It will be weird to celebrate this event without my dad. I am not a believer in ghosts, nor do I support a religion. But I do believe, he lives through me and therefore is with me all the time.

I am not sure whether or not I should start again with my video logs. I like to improve my English and talk about things, but I am not certain whether people actually look at it. Ofcourse, it would be mainly for myself, but it would be nice if other would take a look at it as well. But in any way, I'll live on.

Rest in Peace dear father

My life suddenly got an abrupt turn, when I lost my father on September 6th.
He was his usual self, sportive, healthy. He did not have any diseases or big physical or mental problems, that could cause death. He was happy in life.
On that Thursday, he wanted to play tennis with my uncle and a friend. He kissed my mother and said he would be home in about a couple of hours. However, it was my uncle who came by. He and his wife, my mothers sister, had to tell my mother that my father tried to reach the ball, fell and did not get up any more. The ambulance, police and fire brigade arrived very soon, but even after 45 minutes trying, they could not get his heart working again.
He had a sudden heart-attack. The first one and the last one.
I was not at home then. Every time I think about it, I feel the chills running down my spine. My uncle, seeing my father dying. My mother, alone, unaware about what had happened. Luckily my brother was at home.
We had a tremendous busy and emotional week. Every time my mother thinks about my father, she bursts into tears. I tried to cry, but somehow I get less emotional. I merely help my mother and my brother. Even though my mother tells me she is fine, I have to keep an eye out.

Right now, I have to think whether I will start my career in the UK, or stay in the Netherlands. I wanted to work in the UK to improve my English and get some extra work experience. But the way things are now, I am thinking to stay at home for a while.

Graduated

I've had my last presentation. I had to present my findings of my thesis project. The research about how European particulate matter policies influence municipalities in their particulate matter policies and spatial planning policies. It was fun. I can present. Even my parents could understand it, even though it was in English. So I got a 7 of this. And my internship developed into a 7.5. So overall, I'm done with school, university... everything, I suppose.

I'm sort of... free. Nothing to do, but to find a job and start my life. Even now, it gives me the chills. I started diving into Doctor Who. Within a week, I saw the first 4 series of the new Doctor Who. I really like David Tennant now. I haven't seen Matt Smith as the Doctor, so I can't tell whether I like him. Sherlock is also in my mind, as well as Cabin Pressure. So I got completely isolated by my own thoughts. These chills, that run through me, everytime I think about going outside, or to find a job. It is kind of mortifying to think about me and the rest of my life. I try, but at the same time I drown myself in fantasies of time/space travelling, being around smart people and just... not being me.

So at first I thought nothing had changed. Now I think, everything has changed. I need to adapt. Whether I like it or not.

Pictures from Scotland holiday