Don't make my brown eyes blue

For the ones who know me for a long time I've changed a lot.
From a little shy girl, who could cry at everything, to the massive and chubby woman who can stand on her own feet. What did not change that much, is the crying. Even though I sometimes do not want to admit it, but I can cry at the most silly things.
No, I do not cry at chick flicks, nor do I cry when something romantic is shown. I do not cry at weddings. I do not cry when I hurt myself.

I cry when I think life is unfair, when I consider the situation ridiculously in my disadvantage and I cry when I am angry with myself. These circumstances have led to many, many confused people. My parents usually never knew why I was crying. And to say that I was crying, because I was angry with myself, just sounds silly. Many friends were puzzled by the tears in my eyes and I just use my "I am a woman and the hormones are just playing with me" excuse as many times as I can. Moreover, teachers at secondary school and some teachers from university were flabbergasted by my sudden outbursts into tears. I did not cry, because I got a low grade, but I just hated myself for that moment of not learning properly and I had to do it all over again.

But because of that, I also created a sort of advantage over all these old men. No teacher could resist giving that poor crying girl another try. And you know what? Maybe next time, you will pass! I never wondered how I got from a 4 to an 8 in a couple of weeks time for physics. I actually thought I learned better. But sometimes I wonder whether it was really all of my own work, that gave me that grade. Another advantage, I do have to admit it even though I am ashamed of it, I always win an argument. Just let a little tear of frustration roll over your cheek and you are about to win. Ofcourse, after they finally find out you're not really crying out of hurt, this disadvantage is gone. Also, I do find it unfair myself. If someone is right, but he gives up because I started crying it is not fair. I like to learn. I like to find out other people their views. But when I start crying, they just let me win. Even I find that unfair (tear rolling over cheek because of the unfairness).

When I finally realised myself, why I was crying, I started to do something about it. Part from growing up is that you don't cry, because someone is unfair to you. And I think it partly works now. I'm still trying to learn myself that in order to win, or when something is unfair to me, I don't have to cry to still get on or win things.
So...yeah. Don't make my brown eyes blue.